“BABY” IS A DIRTY WORD
Body, Boyfriend, Relationships, Women's Issues — By reluctantla on 10/21/2009 2:32 am
I have rewritten this post three times. I’m starting over again.
I have this feeling that I have never had before. Maybe it’s boredom, stagnancy in my projects…I don’t know. I’ve had friends, many friends, who have had this feeling and I’ve just nodded and assured, “One day, that will come.” Now, I find this dreadful feeling inside me. This thing.
I called my mom today, interrupting her daily alarmist news hour. “Did you hear about the terrorist in Sudbury!?” she asked. “No. Mom, can I talk to you about something? Like, can you shut off the TV?” “OK, what is it?” “Mom, I have this feeling. Maybe it’s because I’m turning thirty-three, but something feels really weird.” “What is it?” “I like, I like want a baby. I never wanted that. I don’t know what is happening and I don’t want to want something.” “Well, it’s called a ‘maternal instinct,’ and you should be lucky you have it because some women don’t.” “I don’t know what it is, but I think I need to have children one day and I’m scared I won’t. Would you have been okay if you didn’t have kids?” (Pause) “Hello? Mom? The answer is, ‘No, I wouldn’t be okay.’” “Well,” she answered, “I waited. I was thirty-seven when I had you.” “Yeah, I’m just scared. I mean, I know I’ll meet someone, but I just want everything to be healthy.”
My mom went back to watching the news, but she assured me that everything comes in time. She has such a high-tolerance listening to my groveling, whiny life struggles. She never dismisses the way I feel, but I’m sure she hears a huffy-puffy young woman just getting nervous about the conventions in life. It’s just that I’ve never related to women who pine to have children. Something has changed.
Some of you may read this and think it’s a completely normal feeling, but I grew up to value a career with the assumption that family would just “come.” My parents have never asked me when I would have a child. It has never been a concern, but I know they would love it. I guess I have never wanted to have a child with someone. For me, it’s not about a desire to have a child on my own (you know what I mean), it’s about having a family.
Oh god, listen to me. I hate worrying about things I can’t control. I guess “worry” isn’t the word. I was actually a little worried that I didn’t have this feeling for so long. Now that I do, I’m emotionally moved by it. It’s just a new phase of life and thinking. I think it’s quite mature and I also think it’s selfless, and for these reasons, I will celebrate this.
(Note: The above picture is not clip art. It’s me as a little kid.)
COMMENT ON POST:
Okay, pull yourself together. This is your higher self. Remember all the things you haven’t done and you want to do? Remember?
- Bike across the norther border of Spain.
- Publish a book.
- Perform more stand-up and solo-shows.
- Write a TV show.
- Get drunk. Seriously, you’ve only been plastered like five times in your life.
Everything else will come in due time.
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2 Comments
Don't delete this. DON'T DELETE THIS.You are a true human – flawed, determined, frightened, stong, emotional, cold, loving, screaming, reclusive, true, and thoroughly beautiful.~V~P.S. And above all, amazingly cute as a child. =)
Aw, thanks Vincent, as always. I really appreciate your comments. I won't take it down. I really want family in my life. I am close with my family and I look forward to starting my own. I definitely would love to be a mom. I can't wait and I don't see my future any other way. I look forward to being pregnant. If feels good to say that.