FINISHING THE BOOK

“I just want to burn it,” I said to my boyfriend in bed last night. “I just want it all to go away.” “I know,” he comforted, “But maybe it will go away if you write it.”

I tried to explain to him: “I’ve been writing this book for ten years. Why am I doing this to myself? Why don’t I enjoy the sun, get out and play. Why can’t I allow myself to have a joyous life and burn all that writing?” “Will that make you feel better?” he asked. “I don’t know.”

I don’t know if that will make it “go away.” I’ve been lugging four boxes of writing and thousands of pages on my computer for this “book” I’m supposed to publish one day.

“I’m scared,” I told him, crying, “I’m scared I’ll fuck up this relationship by working on this book. I’m scared of going back to it. I just want to burn it and move on.” “Jamie,” he said softly, “Remember how you said that if one person is helped or affected by your book, then it was for a reason.” “Yes,” I answered. “Then maybe you have to write it. Maybe you will be free if you do.” “Maybe,” I said, hopeful.

I’ve talked about this book forever. I’m Sisyphus pushing my book from home to home, hoping for it to fall in place one day. It’s not going to just “come together.” I have to really put in the work. I’m starting. I may not be completely full of joy, but I’ve learned that the hardest times in my life — the hardest I’ve worked, felt, played, challenged myself — were the most fulfilling.

Related posts:

1. ONE LAST SHOT: WRITING A BOOK
2. A LITTLE KNOWN FACT: I’M WRITING A BOOK
3. “AMUSEMENT PARKS” – AN EXCERPT FROM MY BOOK