NEW YORK CITY IS MY LOS ANGELES LOVE AFFAIR
Los Angeles, New York City, The Future, Work — By admin on 09/13/2010 8:05 pm
I had a dream last night that I was shown an apartment in NYC. I didn’t exactly recognize the neighborhood; it was a mixture of the West Village meets the Lower East Side meets downtown Boston, not far from where I’m from.
The apartment was very circular, like a box of four rooms, with very few windows. One moment the apartment was on the first floor and another moment it was on the second. I remember seeing an oncology book inside the apartment and another book that I can’t exactly remember, but I think it was about epidemiology. I concluded that a doctor or someone who had cancer lived there. It was a bit unsettling.
I walked around and immediately told the realtor, “I don’t want the apartment.” I remember thinking that I didn’t have many options because of money and my credit score, so I gave it another look.
When I woke up I said to my boyfriend, “I had this dream where I was looking for an apartment in New York,” and his first question was, “Were you looking for yourself?” (I knew he was going to ask that), and I answered, “Yeah,” but to me that wasn’t the point, I was dreaming about New York before I fell asleep.
New York is my Los Angeles love affair — it’s like the man I think about when I’m dating another guy; a guy that’s more fun, better looking and has that perfectly shaped penis that gives the most amazing orgasm without masturbating. NYC is my “grass is greener.” New York’s the guy I didn’t sleep with or didn’t kiss — it’s the secret love that got away. New York is the city I want to be unfaithful with. New York is my rich man’s love affair with a younger woman when his marriage isn’t going to get better and he wants to have some fun one time ’cause he works really hard and she doesn’t appreciate him (ah, I could write a book about that).
When I was at NYU, I had a huge crush on a colleague and my crush continued for years while I was dating another man. I thought my crush was my real soul mate. If I could be with him, I surmised, I’d be so happy. I pictured us making out and fucking constantly. While fucking my ex, I’d be thinking about this guy’s dick and how much better it would feel.
One night, after I broke up with my ex, the guy from NYU showed up at my apartment in the middle of the night (for real). To my surprise he also felt like we were soul mates. (I’d like to mention that I gave him a blowjob, but forget about that.) We kissed, after years of yearning, and it was the worst, most horrific kiss ever. Completely. Sucky. Horrible.
NYC is the answer to what is missing in my life (so is Paris, but I’ll get to that another time.) I have a tendency to lay down roots and want to move on – next, next, next – it keeps things fun, but it’s also running away. The truth is, I don’t want to leave L.A. with my tail between my legs and that’s how I picture it: waddling over the state line with my pants pulled down and covered with urine. I would leave L.A. ’cause I wimped out.
I wouldn’t be leaving L.A. because I hated it, though there are aspects I do hate, but I have my L.A. community of merchants and Whole Foods friends, and I do frequent the same stores in L.A., but there’s an aliveness in NYC and an all-night, 24-hour thing that I love. What am I going to do, go back and do that again? Perform at the same open mikes; make solo-shows for the same Off-Broadway theaters…(although that sounds fantastic.)
I have not tackled what I set out to accomplish in L.A. and I know that. I would leave and I would regret it. There’s great things about L.A., including my boyfriend and things that make everything easier in life the older you get, blah, blah. However, the real reason that I want to stay here is because I have not tried what I came out here to do. It takes guts and willingness to be a newbie and to feel the same growing pains I felt in New York ten years ago.
So what am I going to do? That is the question I’ve been thinking about, especially during this Jewish New Year and the Ten Days of Awe (the ten days for introspection between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.) Am I going to have the guts to go after what I want? I have to figure out exactly what that is, and then I have to try.
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6 Comments
At the risk of sounding like an advert for a certain running shoe…
“Just Do It!”
But I’ll try to originalize it by adding…
“Oi with the poodle already!”
At the risk of sounding like an advert for a running shoe…
“Just Do It!”
I will, however, attempt to originalize it by adding…
“Oi with the poodle already!”
In New York, I had a 10 minute conversation on the subway with a couple who had found something like Warhol’s Factory and were reveling in the free artistry they could create there.
In LA, a guy told me not to touch him after I tapped him on the shoulder to get him off his blackberry and let him know that he was next in line @ the In-and-Out.
You did some good work here in NYC and then you moved on.
That’s a simple, yet powerful way to look at it. Thank you Barry.
A beautiful homage to an amazing city. Thank you.
I understand and empathize with your sentiments as I contemplate the move from NY to LA. I’ll probably be singing the same tune this time next year.