KNOCKED UP AROUND PALM TREES

Babies, Boyfriend, New York City, Relationships — By on 10/25/2011 2:39 pm

I am trying to picture myself pregnant in LA. Shopping carts; heat; white lines on pavement; strolling carts; beach options; family.

Often people say they want to be buried in a certain place. It’s probably where they should live. I used to tell my boyfriend, “Don’t you dare bury me in Los Angeles. Please bury me on the East Coast, but not in Massachusetts.” Ideally, I’d love to be buried in a painted white wood box in a Paris garden. Peaceful.
 
This brings me back to LA and how my boyfriend wants to move back. More specifically, he wants to have children in LA. I should not be writing this. I should not be writing something so private, even though I’ve been writing this blog for 4 years and have revealed tons of shit; I should protect my relationship with my boyfriend. He’s a great person and I never want to hurt him.

 I get off-kilter when we fight. Fighting about the future may seem pointless, but we are doing it. 
 
I picture myself pregnant in LA in a four-door.
 
The evening my ex-husband helped me pack up the apartment we shared in West Hollywood, in late 2008, we exchanged parting visions. “I’m sure you’ll be with a nice, white, Christian gal who loooooves your family and does whatever they want.” He slightly smiled and said, “I hope so too.” His words carried the weight of his belief that I was a shitty wife and a cancer to his vision. For me, he foresaw a nerdy, Jewish guy. 
 
Three years later I’m with my Jewish boyfriend in Brooklyn. Not nerdy or nebbishy, the way my ex saw all Jewish men, but the person I see as my partner. We just moved from LA so I could go to school. We are in the Garden Cafe at 2:30pm trying to get breakfast before our headaches get the best of us. The waitress keeps interrupting our fight and we keep asking her for a few more minutes so we can get our points across. “I feel like you should meet a girl from the Valley, have your families close by and everything will be perfect,” I say. I don’t want to fuck up anyone’s life. I don’t want to force anyone to do what they don’t want to do. 
 
I picture myself strolling peacefully through the aisles of Whole Foods; having brunch with his family; relaxing with the baby on the beach. Why would I not go toward the happiness, as my mentor has encouraged me to do.

“I’ll just have to cut our dog in half,” I later joke to the guy at the dog park, pretending to slice Wyoming in half. This guy just met me and I’m telling him our personal information. Fuck.

Now I’m Googling whether or not it’s plausible to have babies in NYC.
I would like to listen to Annie Lennox sing all day.
I would like to know what will happen in 5 years.
I cannot make any promises to anyone.
I don’t want to repeat my mother’s choices.
I don’t want to feel isolated and option-less.
I can’t even picture children right exactly now.

I would like to not hurt the person I love. And I fear that I’m horribly selfish at times. Horribly selfish.

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6 Comments

  1. Connie says:
    10/25/2011 at 4:09 pm

    I am not you and probably shouldn’t even be giving advice, but what feels worse… not having kids with him in LA or not having him. Then think about how he would answer that question.

    Reply
    • Connie says:
      10/25/2011 at 4:10 pm

      Please forgive the really crappy punctuation. I am typing one armed (broke my shoulder).

      Reply
    • admin says:
      10/25/2011 at 4:17 pm

      I can’t write a blog like this and not expect feedback of some sort…thanks for reading my drivel. It’s a great question that I hope I never have to answer in such black and white terms. I guess, to not reveal too much, there are certain things I am not willing to compromise – and certain things I am willing to.

      Reply
  2. Damian says:
    10/26/2011 at 7:03 pm

    Jamie, that was a serious post!
    Expected you to mention how school is
    going, then you took a sharp detour.
    Good luck with whatever decision you make.

    Reply
  3. Barry Bliss says:
    11/06/2011 at 6:21 pm

    I am so fucking glad you haven’t given up.

    You have something to do–something to offer–only you know what it is.
    Damn, Jamie, I know I was a crappy/nutty friend (I was scared) but you must know that I am right.
    You gotta be honest, you gotta shine, you gotta create.
    Use that talent.
    All of it.
    Completely.

    PS If you’d like to have lunch or dinner at Rawvolution or Angelicas Kitchen–as friends, of course–then email me and we’ll set it up.

    PPS I don’t care whether or not you have a baby (it’s none of my business anyway) but never stop shining/creating/expresing.
    Seriously.

    Reply

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