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PREGNANT IN LA
March 17, 2012 09:03 -
MY TRIP TO LA
March 17, 2012 07:03 -
THE HENRY SOFA
March 10, 2012 18:03 -
THIS POST SUCKS
January 16, 2012 08:01 -
KNOCKED UP AROUND PALM TREES
October 25, 2011 14:10
Archive for the ‘Masturbation’ Category
WHAT IS SEX?
Something I haven’t done lately. Do you ever look at a couple and picture them having sex? I do it all the time. I just did it. I’m sitting in the Second Stop Cafe again and there’s this nice Jewish couple (I just know they are Jewish) and I’m watching them to talk to each [...]
THERE’S NOTHING BETTER THAN WAKING UP WITH AN ORGASM
Every Friday morning I wake up thinking “shut the fuck up” and I know who I’m talking to. I’m talking to this woman who I can’t see, but can only imagine. She’s probably average weight, has carrot-red hair and white under-vegetable eaten skin, yellowing teeth, wears granny-sweaters and is 43 years old. Is it wrong [...]
PUPPIES AND SPANKING
I want to get in the habit of writing this blog daily. However, there are days that I’m not funny. There are days that I hate myself (it’s true, but I’m working on it) and there are days that are too personal or uninteresting. Some days I don’t feel like talking about how I masturbate [...]
GO FUCK YOURSELF, DIET COKE!
I have a feeling that you may read this and think, “I quit soda in high-school. What’s this girl’s problem?” or, “I didn’t think Jamie would be the kind of girl to drink diet soda.” Well, I am, or I was. My friends know I drink soda; I order it at every meal. It’s like [...]
ANTHONY BOURDAIN AND ERIC RIPERT, A REASON TO BE TURNED ON.
I found myself thoroughly turned on watching Anthony Bourdain’s 100th episode of “No Reservations”. Bourdain brought along heartthrob chef, Eric Ripert (Le Bernadin and “Top Chef”), as his co-host to explore the local food movement in Paris, France. Some girls love Robert Pattinson, some girls love Johnny Depp, but I’ll take Eric Ripert anytime. It wasn’t until I [...]
LET’S TALK ABOUT GIRLY THINGS!!!
I don’t know why “girly things” makes me think of frilly underwear, but it does. I mean, doesn’t the phrase “frilly, lacy panties” make you want to cream your pants? (Okay, I’m on vacation and I may be losing my mind.) Today I want to write about “girly things.” I am a girl and sometimes [...]
TOP 10 PERIOD FOODS (X-RATED VERSION)
I just microwaved a plate of pretzels covered with string cheese and bananas. Am I high? No, I have my period. A plate of pretzels, melted banana with cheese plus a can Diet Rite and you got the perfect combination of salt, fat and sweet. You may be thinking: “That’s disgusting,” or, “Jamie sounds like white [...]
I WAS TIRED…UNTIL I MASTURBATED.
Way to make my blog seem like a porn site! But it’s true. It’s amazing how 5 minutes can make one feel so different. (I was just thinking while editing this post: is any normal person going to want to date me? Imagine if their parents saw this blog? Well, I guess I have to [...]
INAPPROPRIATE FACEBOOK UPDATES
Jamie feels like complete shit. She’s going to run to 7-Eleven to get a pint of Ben and Jerry’s to make herself feel worse. Then cry. Then listen to Coldplay. Then text her Ex. Then think of plans to make her life better only to feel hopeless at the end. Then go to sleep. Then [...]
AFTER EATING HALF A CHOCOLATE CAKE, I’M QUITTING COFFEE!!! (WARNING: ANGRIEST POST EVER WRITTEN)
I don’t even know where to start. I feel like a handicapped person writing this. I can barely breathe. My stomach is distended like a starving person, but I’m fucking full. Too full of chocolate cake. Did I have dessert before the chocolate cake? YES. I had frozen yogurt. Fuck you frozen yogurt! Fuck you [...]