TOP 10 PERIOD FOODS (X-RATED VERSION)

I just microwaved a plate of pretzels covered with string cheese and bananas. Am I high? No, I have my period. A plate of pretzels, melted banana with cheese plus a can Diet Rite and you got the perfect combination of salt, fat and sweet. You may be thinking: “That’s disgusting,” or, “Jamie sounds like white [...]

SABICH: A DELIGHTFUL MIDDLE EASTERN SANDWICH

I just Googled “hummus.” That’s what happens when I’m bored and eating hummus, and I stumbled upon the “sabich sandwich.” I hate the word “yummy” (oh god I hate that word. There’s a yoga place in Los Feliz called “Yummy Yoga,” and I wince when I drive by it. I want to blow it up…is that [...]

ENOUGH TALKING ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP, LET’S TALK ABOUT BEING A VEGAN

I think I just lost my male readers. Here’s the thing: I feel wicked unhealthy. Usually when I start a relationship, I work out a lot, eat well and dance around like a lunatic in love naked in the mirror and fantasize about my future strip routines. Well, that’s not really the case now. I’ve [...]

IT’S HARD TO WRITE ABOUT PORN WHEN YOU’RE HUNGRY

I’ve been trying a new diet. Not “diet” in the sense of “eating less,” but rather shifting the way I eat. My biggest problem is protein. I’ve never been a big meat-eater, and I was actually a vegetarian and then vegan for many years. Even though I eat pretty healthy – mostly organic and tons [...]

SKINNY COW? MAYBE IF YOU EAT JUST ONE…

If I eat all six of these skinny cow ice-cream sandwiches at once do I become a fat cow? I don’t know why I am writing about this. I can’t buy a 6-pack of fat free sandwiches. Why? Cause I don’t know what “portion control” means. I can’t have them reclining in my freezer while [...]

THIS FLU HAS MADE MY BOOBS GET BIGGER!!!

I am not sure whether it was the 8,000 cookies that I devoured, or “just having the flu” that made my boobs humongous, but I’m betting on the cookies, the multi-dinners, the sitting and the 30 movie rentals. Jesus Christ! I am Ms. Voluptuous now. I’m too much of a woman for me. Seriously! I’m not [...]

SEE! I CARE ABOUT OTHER SHIT!

In an effort to stop writing ONLY about myself, I wanted to talk about something else for a moment. This isn’t about Obama, it’s about these disgusting treats I just read about online. I don’t want to put down any new business, and especially one that sells sweet desserts, but this disgusting. I don’t get [...]

I WANT A MAN TO EAT STEAK AND PUSSY

I had frozen yogurt tonight from “Yogurtland.” I like to go there when my stomach hurts. The cold milky yogurt coats my insides and takes away an upset stomach. It is also good for dental pain. As I spooned the cold yogurt into my mouth, I thought about men and whether it’s “gay” for men [...]

I’VE BEEN SO SCARED TO WRITE, AND YES THOSE ARE POTATO PANCAKES.

Okay, it’s been 8 days since I have written on this blog, and I have to break through. As unpolished as this post may sound, I can’t stand that I am AFRAID to write. I’ve felt scared to offend people, lose people, and speak my mind. I’d rather be on a different planet. I’m not [...]

LET’S GET BACK TO TALKING ABOUT FOOD

Let’s get back to talking about food, right? Enough of this heavy stuff. Time for some other heavy stuff like donuts and Jewish pastries. On this Shabbat day, let’s talk about something that brings me peace: THE JEWISH BAKERY. I love a Jewish Bakery. I love all bakeries really. The smell of sugar, baking and [...]

WHERE DO I EAT MY GEFILTE??? IN BED!

Welcome to my boudoir. My private place. My bedroom. This is where all the “secrets” happen. Where I have intimate dreams, sexual relations and it’s where I eat my gefilte fish! There’s nothing like minced wet fish in bed! Can you say, “Dreams?” Turn down the lights. Turn up the music. And open the gefilte! [...]

SWEET DREAMS GEFILTE! SEE YOU TOMORROW NIGHT